A best friend lost

I'm now 14 weeks pregnant and feeling much better. At the 12 week mark, I went back on my meds. That totally helped my mood. It was nice to finally get out of bed. During that time, it was nice to know who my true friends were.

M and I have been best friends since we met 8 years ago. Our christianity brought us together. I was having a yard sale 9 years ago and we sold her a fan. The following year, we had another yard sale that she and her mom came to and I invited her in. Her noticing that I'm a christian was an instant connection between us.

We had a lapse in our friendship a few years ago during this same time of year, ironically enough. Our friendship was rekindled after Pope John Paul died. I thought things were going well.

M suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia for a long time. During that time, Krista and I would go over to her house, sometimes bringing lunch. We didn't go too often because M would sleep so much. Apparently I wasn't a good friend during that time, even though I was the only support outside of her husband that she had. No-one else made a big deal about her walking to the end of her driveway alone one day, except me. No-one was proud of her like I was when she started going out. Apparently, that's not good enough.

It all boiled down to one evening a couple of weeks ago. M called me around 9:30pm, after I had taken my meds and was already asleep. She asked me to take her kids for the night because her stepdad was rushed to the hospital and she didn't want to go alone. There were several factors as to why I couldnt' take the kids, but I would've if I could've. That is not understood. After I take my meds, I am out of it and do not feel comfortable with another's child in my care. Her and my hubby don't get along, and I had an ultrasound appt the next morning. I know she would'nt want them in his care, and I had already made a commitment to watch someone else's child the next morning at 8. Apparently I didn't spread myself thin enough, because that broke our friendship.

I was accused of not being remorseful, yet she would not talk to me. She would not tell me how her stepdad was doing, I still don't know if he ok. I was debating on emailing her to tell her my mom does NOT have cancer, but I don't know if she cares. My heart tore in two, a part of me died with the friendship, but the ball was and is in her court. I will not allow myself to be hurt anymore. I will not be a victim, be accused of things that certainly were and are not true.

It's sad that our friendship had to end, especially in the way it had. I wished her and her family well, wanting nothing but health and happiness for them. What do I get back? My daughter coming home from school today telling me that H (M's daughter) told her they couldn't play anymore because "my mom and your mom aren't friends anymore". I think that is something that children do not need to know about, unless they ask.

All in all, I'm finally doing ok. It seems as though she doesn't care, who knows, she wouldn't talk to me, so I can just assume. I have Tammy and my other mom freinds from church....although I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again, not the way I trusted M.

It's been a long time

I know it's been a while. I really didn't have anything to blog about,but now I do. I found out a couple of weeks ago that I'm pregnant. Bob wanted me to go off of my meds, which I totally understand, so I did. It's been hard. My moods have fluctuated so much, I'm hardly sleeping (the most I get is 2 hours solid at a time) and it's just so frustrating! I have my first ob appt today with the nurse practitioner, so we'll see what she says. I need to find out when I can go back on my meds. I was thinking after the first trimester, that way all the baby's organs will be formed and such. We'll see.

Bob is on unemployment now. He's been taking the kids to the beach and yesterday they came home with some great finds! They brought home 2 large scallops with the meat still in them. The one kept opening and closing...it was real neat. The kids also found tons of sea glass....they are just so excited about that. I was hoping to go up there with them today but it's so windy. I'm thinking the beach will have to wait another day.

I know it's been a while

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. There really hasn't been anything going on. I've been feeling pretty good, thank goodness. My meds are the same, but I totally think the increase in abilify really did it. The only thing is, Dr. K wanted me to split the dose 15mg in the morning and 15mg at night, but I was just so tired during the day. I have decided to take the full dose at night, and I'm sure he'll be ok with that. I always have a pretty good feeling if you will about my meds.

Now, as for what happened a couple of months ago. I haven't blogged about it as I wasn't ready, but now I am. I was in the hospital for a few days. I was in such a depression, I actually didn't want to live anymore. Hubby didn't understand, but he knew I had to do this for myself. I went in, and with the increase in meds and all the group therapies, I was actually in a good place after being depressed for so long.

I am so good at hiding my feelings, and acting like everything is good all the time, when it really isn't, and not just for me, but nobody is happy and all that all the time. I had to realize I need to be realistic about my feelings and how my life is. I love my life. I have everything I ever wanted, a husband, home, children. I have many blessings and I just needed to realize that. I also realized I needed to get my priorities straight. That time in the hospital is just what I needed to get my life on track.

Until next time.

A crazy few weeks

I sunk into a really deep depression a few weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. Bob said he noticed a depression for the past few months, that I slowly lost interest in everything that matters in life. The thing is, I've been dealing with this for so long, I don't really I'm depressed until it's really bad. Makes sense to Dr. K. Needless to say, I wanted to die, to put it bluntly. I ended up signing myself into the hospital, as I didn't feel safe around myself. I couldn't trust myself to not do anything.

So, it was actually a good experience and I've learned a lot of different coping skills and positive things about myself. There were lots of group therapies throughout the day and they were very helpful.

I was happy to be home, the kids missed me so much, and I missed them. I was able to work on getting better without any distractions. They increased my abilify from 10mg to 15mg, which made me feel better, but still not close to 100%. Dr. K increased it to 30% and now I'm on top of my game, feeling about 95% better. I am where I need to be at the moment, and that's it, I live for the moment, and not worry about the future.

It's been a while

I know it's been a while since I posted. My moods have been all over the place, and my dr added seroquel to my cocktail to help me sleep at night. Bob has to work tomorrow and I have my therapy. I called a friend to sit with the kids in case he had to work late, and he said "why can't you just not go". He doesn't understand how important it is that i go to therapy. It's been a couple of weeks and then she is going on vacation for a couple of weeks. Ugh, it's hard when I don'thave the support I need in order to take care of my mental health. I wish things were different.

It

My sleep is ugh

I haven't been sleeping well at all. I'll go to bed and wake up 3 hours later wide awake for a couple of hours and then go back to sleep. I'll sleep for 2 hrs before waking up for the day...that equals about 5 hrs of broken sleep. Thankfully I go to Dr. K today so hopefully we can do something about it.

That's about all I've been dealing with lately. I'm keeping busy knitting and starting a knitting ministry at church. I'm working out all the details now and am excited about it.